Encounters: Arranged Marriages, and, more recently, the Ambassador's house

Hi everyone – yes, I’m still here, alive and kicking! Not kicking too hard though, since basically any movement “makes the dust fly,” a translation of how they say it in Nepali. The freak wind storms have subsided for the most part, so there’s a bit of dust on the roads. I bought a handkerchief to breath through whenever a car goes by as I’m walking on the road. To counteract this nuisance, the weather is nice and warm, all the flowers are blooming, and some new kinds of birds have migrated in. Maybe other people knew this already, but I was shocked to find out that not only is there a real cuckoo bird, but that it also makes exactly the same noise as its clock buddy! They have funny tails that stick up vertically.

Other news: I’m getting ready for my dad to come visit, he’s coming in about a week to stay for two weeks. One possible activity will be going to Pokhara for Cheena’s wedding (Kamal’s little sister). If we do go, that will be my third wedding so far, and fourth wedding reception. I don’t know how I missed going to any weddings the last time I was here – they seem to happen every other minute. As promised, a long time ago, here are the photos of my didi’s wedding. I’ll try to give some obvious description so that you all will get a sense of what goes on over here. Marriage here is traditionally arranged – this is a norm rather than an exception, and in fact the type of marriage system we tend to think of in the US is referred to as ‘love marriage’ here. There are a lot of mixed feelings on love marriages, and mixed ones on arranged marriage as well. I personally have had a really difficult time coming to terms with these cultural differences – the idea of marrying someone you’ve never met or have maybe met just a couple times, a woman’s family being expected to provide a dowry, the grief involved with suddenly moving from the house you grew up in into your husband’s parent’s house. I have found that certain romantic ideals have been lurking in my brain that I didn’t even realize were there until now – they come from movies and tv, and books too. Though I thought I would be better prepared by having read about the marriage system here, I didn’t realize that I would be having my own internal battle over whether or not it is appropriate to allow myself to feel sorry for my sisters here, about their being nervous and afraid and stressed about marriage. I think I’ve decided that it is worth examining from where all these thoughts are arising, but not to allow myself to get too swamped down and stressed out – the system of arranged marriage has been going on for thousands of years, here and everywhere, and on top of that the US system doesn’t really seem to deserve any glowing praise either.

The marriage ceremony is a form of puja, religious worship. It is a long puja, and in Chhetri families they perform it outside, around a mandala drawn on a red mud/cow dung surface. Two Bahun (Brahman) priests came to officiate the ceremony by reading all of the Sanskrit prayers and directing everyone what to do next. The ceremonies involve (in as simple terms as I can) exchanging rings, giving a special wreath of grasses and flowers, many circlings of the mandala, the washing of the bride and groom’s feet by the bride’s family (and drinking of said foot-water), the giving of special treats by the groom’s wedding party (the wedding takes place at the bride’s house), and lots and lots of puja and Sanskrit prayers (read by the priests). The red wedding sari is a symbol of marriage – after her wedding a woman may wear red saris and must wear red dye in the part of her hair, glass bangles, and a special type of bead necklace. This has the same meaning as the wedding band on the ring finger. The groom’s wedding party comes along with a brass band that plays traditional Nepali songs as well as theme songs from hit Hindi movies. There is some dancing but in general the majority of dancing takes place back at the groom’s house (the mother and other non-sister women stay home and perform special rituals supposedly timed with the wedding ritual, and later on while awaiting the arrival of the new bride one or two women dress in men’s clothing and cajole the other women into dancing). At the end of the day at the bride’s house, the bride is taken away; her and the groom get into the waiting and decorated car and leave – but by the time this takes place basically every person on the bride’s side is crying. I knew that there would be crying but it is particularly affecting, for the bride’s immediate family is really wailing, the brothers and everything. In America we have a somewhat private idea of grief, but here it is supposed to be a sort of spectacle, and everyone around rushes to watch the crying family members.

I recently also attended a reception in honor of the Fulbright program held by the United States Ambassador to Nepal, James F. Moriarty. Everyone dressed up pretty fancy, and I had a suit made for the occasion, so here I get to show it off. Everyone had drinks and stood around talking, which was nice because I hadn’t seen some people since the India conference. Later on all the Fulbright people headed over to a restaurant for dinner. The night went smoothly except for the two dogs which were allowed to roam around the room freely.

I’ll be posting more photos later this week, my mom sent me a great package with the photos we took while she was here. I hope everyone is enjoying springtime over there. I’ll be back soon! (Sort of).